for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
