this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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