I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
