Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
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