eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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