boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
