Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
