my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
