just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
