Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
apparently the secret to your success is patron
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
