you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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