i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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