haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Sacagawea was the original milf.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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