sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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