I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize