What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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