they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
