Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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