this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Randomize
