Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
