yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
