Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
my poor anus
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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