I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i will never coherently bang her
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
