the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
