Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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