I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Randomize