I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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