I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
