All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Randomize
