I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
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