I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
