Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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