I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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