I can't breathe out the right side of my face
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
