Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Randomize
