I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
