If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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