Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
There's always time for handjobs
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
