M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
