She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
