i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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