Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
