Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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