i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I think my fart just growled at me.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
