you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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