forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
