Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
pray to the hookup gods
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
