Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
