Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
