I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
