??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
The chlamydia really affected his face.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
