I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
