hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
