Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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