I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
