so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
