I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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