someone threw a dead crab at me
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
